Differences over demands keep VIP hostage

Differences over demands keep VIP hostage (TNIE, May 8, 2012, Mindspace page 8)

By R Swaminathan

When I switched  on the TV early this morning there was a news flash that our governor had been kidnapped to the Chaoist Land somewhere in the wild west and negotiations are expected soon. Within an hour details began emerging that two negotiators have been named and are on their way to the spot where the VIP was being held. Naturally, they should have been taken by a copter because of the risk involved in delaying the relief work.


The negotiators got a warm welcome in the Chaoist Land and immediately sought to know the demands of the kidnappers. The list was long and one of them  agreed to mention only a few because of poor tower connection. They wanted crores of money in foreign currency (for what purpose, God knows?) and lorryloads of drinking water as drought had set in due to summer and confectionery items manufactured in the last two months.

The negotiators told them immediately that it was difficult to get these. It was required to get RBI permission for the foreign currency and those who had it in their trunks would not come forward to give any now even in this emergency. Drinking water is what is already scarce in our country and making it available cannot be discussed. About confectionery items of recent origin, it was difficult to get them even in the biggest malls which stock heavily and naturally for a longer time to decorate their gaping shelves and impress their customers.

The negotiator thought it was his turn to offer what he could assure to the Chaoists. He said he would secure the biggest malls, government engineering colleges and super speciality hospitals. All in the near future. The Chaoist leader laughed and said : "Who wants your malls because we have no adequate population to register footfalls and claim a success in the market? We don't want the engineering colleges because we know what kind of products are turned out after four years of schoooolling. No to hospitals because you will build them today and tomorrow instal giant machines and equipment  and charge lakhs of rupees for diagnosis, dialysis and transplants of vital organs. The colleges attached to the hospitals will have plenty of seats for admission for our sons of the soil but each set will require Rs 20 lakhs in capitation fees."
The negotiator realised that time was running out and desperately asked the other side to come up with realistic demands to convey to the command centre. The Chaoist leader asked for metro trains to run long distances 60 or 70 feet below the ground. The metro stations will enable the setting up of their government under ground far from the range of intelligence operatives. He did not want Volvo buses or duronto trains running over the ground because he did not want to hear of casualties of his kin in unmanned level crossings. And reminded the urban visitor that Metro trains will not pollute the environment and destroy the flora and fauna close dear to their heart.

The negotiator as a digression asked the Chaoist why they were still in the food (arms) gathering stage instead of setting up processing centres and marketing strategies.

The Chaoist asked the negotiator to shut up: we know processing will invariably result in middlemen and commission ranging from 7.5 to 15 per cent. Marketing does not impress us because we believe in more demand and less supply whereas modern techniques work on the reverse principle.

The negotiator asked the leader how to find money for the rail projects. He suggested the setting up of a Tribal Infrastructure Development Authority and the creation of a special purpose vehicle for that. The negotiator could not cope with the pace of talks with the host and decided to leave the spot for consultations with his superiors.

The victim, our govenor, has to wait for at least 72 hours for the talks to resume. Let us hope for the best. The media need not worry about story for the page one and the package on the inside page giving reactions of the leader's families, inlaws and admirers, fans and partymen who have to come together minus their differences and simmering discontent.